How to Become Stronger?

A Who You Are entry published on July 1, 2009


A man came to me asking for help.
He did not know how to face the problems he was having in his marital life.
After a few meetings, I was able to understand that his father had always taught him that a man’s strength was to never show his weaknesses.
And he seemed to believe that made sense for him.

I asked him if he felt really comfortable with that belief.
And he said yes.
And I added: “Is your life painful, or sad?”
He said no.
He insisted he was alright.

Every time we had a meeting, I would ask him if he was alright and he kept saying yes.
I had a very different perception. I thought his life was not well at all.
The truth is his behaviour was talking louder than his voice; and they were contradictory.

Yet, he insisted in believing that a man who would show his fragilities would be dishonoured.

That man was unhappy.
And that unhappiness was due to the beliefs his father had taught him.
He already had invested more than thirty years in that beliefs system and his father had even invested more; He was over sixty.
The simple idea of changing his beliefs system was so painful that he felt he was better off with his daily pain.

Any way, his life was not painful, would he always say to perpetuate his beliefs.
He was really struggling with a self fulfilling prophecy that just wasn’t working for him at all.
But he persisted.

I never really managed to help him.
One day, probably, someone will.

This man valued more his education and his family beliefs system than himself. That was his choice.
But his sadness (and believe me, he was sad) came, definitely, from his lack of love for himself.

We all have a masculine and a feminine side.
But of course, physically, in principle, men have their masculine side more developed and women have their feminine side more developed.

Yet, psychologically, women can be more masculine than men and men can be more feminine than women. And this has nothing to do with sex, but rather with behaviour, with the way we deal with our feelings and also with others.

We’ll call the feminine side the Yin and the masculine side the Yang.
So we have a Yin/Yang duality.

The Yin is the sensitive, intuitive, sentimental, emotional side.
The Yang is the assertive, strong, decisive and determined side.

Most of the people I’ve known until today like to show a strong appearance and to keep their feelings hidden inside.
I say they are Yang outside and Yin inside.

When you show a strong behaviour, very tough, very intolerant, it is because you feel yin, fragile, inside.
These are people who like to keep others at distance fearing they might discover their inner vulnerability.

When we are Yang outside and Yin inside, it is because we lack self esteem.
We can’t vibrate genuinely.
We can’t stand our own fragilities.

We should be Yin outside and Yang inside.
Tender, sweet, sensitive, intuitive, tolerant, accepting, able to listen to others, in our external behaviour, but firm, strong in our motivations, strong in our purpose and in our connection to the source and to the I AM, inside.

The man I told the story at the beginning of this post believed he had to be Yang outside and Yin inside.
He thought he was strong, but he was continuously hiding his true nature from others .

If you really love who you are, start being Yang inside.

And how do I become Yang inside?

It’s simple, although not always easy:

You need to be Yin outside in your contact with others.

Turn yourself in; Surrender; Show your tender, caring side; Be fragile outside.

By doing this, by showing your yin side to others, you will realize how necessary it is to look inside and to see a strong structure.

The more you will become fragile with others and the more you will need to pay attention to your inner conscience.
You will get closer to Who You Are.
You will become a conscience experiencing itself.
You will become more and more the observer and will identify less and less with ego.

Some ask me: “Can’t I be Yang outside and Yang inside?”
No!
We live in duality. It’s impossible to be Yang inside and outside.
You have to choose which one you want to be inside.
Then, you will need to be the opposite outside.

Mahatma Ghandi managed to do this.
He was Yin outside and Yang inside.
Nelson Mandela did the same.
It seems, from what we were told, that Jesus did the same.

Of course, it takes a lot of courage.
But you become stronger and stronger every day.

When you are Yin outside and Yang inside, your saddest moments will become temporary.

If you know anyone who is constantly unhappy for the same reasons, that is because his sadness is not temporary; It is chronic, permanent. This means this person does not surrender to others, he does not turn himself in, he fights, he is a warrior; A very unhappy one, but still a warrior.

I never knew any one who was fully Yin outside and Yang inside.
I don’t think the perfectly balanced person lives in this world.

I cannot be Yin outside all the time.
It is something we need to practice.
We need to use our power of attention and of observation to become aware of the moments on which we are Yang (sometimes very yang) outside.

In those moments, do not put guilt.
That would be even more yang.
Just observe, acknowledge, accept and verbalize what you feel.

People who are yanger inside forgive easily.

« Body and Mind How to Become a Loving Person? »

1 Comment

  • August 2nd, 2012

    Ana Marija says:

    My Father was always rough with me and for many years I was precisely what you`ve said “unhappy warrior”. Because of this I never had energy for others, mostly I pretended to be there for them, but I really wanted to take care of myself. Even when I had time- I was never satisfied with taking care of myself. I blamed other people because they didnt care. I never spoke really about my emotions, nor my needs. Your site came to me in my process of healing and doing therapies and is a valuable tool. When I have any problem I come here and after 5 minutes I know what is wrong. Thank you for this.

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