How to Become a Loving Person?

A Love and Hate entry published on July 1, 2009

In our human vocabulary, we only have words to describe what we think, we feel, we understand and we live.
It’s time to look at the words we use to describe love.

While we do this, let’s keep in mind that most of us, in humanity, we cherish the idea of love and altruism and we step away, as much as possible, from hate and selfishness.

What do we say when we experience love?

“I want you; I love you; I like you; Please swear you will not have any adventure with anyone else; Without you, I am nothing; I need you; I am faithful to you; Please don’t die; I am in love; You’re the one I like the most”.

We often hear people say this to relatives, friends, husband or wife, girlfriend or boyfriend.

Look at the words I’ve just used as an example.
Which of these words set us free?

None, in fact.
None of these words express love.
They express passion.

Passion is a word that comes from Latin and it means: pain and sacrifice.

And why do those words used above express pain?
Because they all mean possession, absorption, jealousy.
They only work when the other person is around.

In one word, these are selfish words.
But we are not aware of this.
We are selfish, in love.

The illusion of love:

Can you tell if what you like is the other person (your partner, your friend) or if what you like is the emotion you feel when you are with that person?

Most people don’t like this question.
It shakes their beliefs system strongly.

What we always like is what we feel, it’s our emotion, not the other person.
And Passion is an emotion.

It’s ok to express all those words I’ve mentioned above, because you will be verbalizing emotions, and that is very good. You will be expressing your passion.

But let’s not call it love. Let’s call it emotion, passion, desire, attachment, whatever you want, but not love.

Mankind does not know what real love and altruism are.
We say we know, but we don’t.
We think Hate and Love are close feelings, but they are not.
They are the opposite.

There are two different paradigms:

1. Hate-Selfishness
2. Love-Altruism

We often jump from selfishness to hate and from hate to selfishness without ever getting even closer to love or altruism.

How many times have you and I said we loved that person, until the moment he or she got interested in someone else and then we got upset, full of anger and hate and tried to harm him or her?

We did not jump from love to hate.
That’s impossible.
We jumped from selfishness to hate.
Yes, that happens because they are part of the same paradigm.

When you really love someone, you jump from love to altruism.
You set the person free because you, yourself, already feel free.
It takes a lot of wisdom to do this.
I can’t do it.

So how do we become a loving person?

The first step is to be aware that we jump from hate to selfishness and from selfishness to hate without ever leaving the Hate-Selfishness paradigm.

Observe, acknowledge and accept this is what you do and you will be in the path of a genuine vibration, of a real self esteem; Acceptance is the first step towards Love and Altruism.

The Hate-Selfishness paradigm is nothing but one more of the tools our ego uses to imprison us.

To love is to accept, to accept everything in me and in the others.
When you choose, you do not accept, you judge, you label the person, you adjust the person to your perceptions, to your thoughts, to your beliefs.
And your ego likes judgements, labels and prejudice.

To love, to be altruistic, means to give unconditionally, but mankind can’t do this.
I can’t do this.

So, what can I do?
I can accept that I can’t give unconditionally.

In fact, not only do we not give unconditionally, but we receive instead of giving; The problem is we are not aware of this.

We choose (I choose) who we are going to help.
We choose (I choose) who we are going to give some money.
We choose and separate. We don’t give.

Nature gives unconditionally
The orange tree knows how to give unconditionally.
It does not refuse an orange to any one, whatever that person may have done.

I can’t do that.
I am always trying to measure who deserves what.
And that is not love and altruism.
That is selfishness and, of course, it leads to separation and hate.

How can I become a loving person?

By realizing I judge my neighbour, my wife/husband, my friends, colleagues and mankind in general, according to my view of what should be and what shouldn’t be.
I need to realize I submit the whole world to my little understanding of the little Luís that I call Me.

As long as I will try to make the world go round my way, I will never stop being selfish and I will be nurturing hate.

How do I become a loving person?

I will start to accept all the others, even the majority of people in society who pretend to know what Love is.
And, if I become fragile and start hating those people, I will just accept that I am also still part of the Hate-Selfishness paradigm.

The similarities between me and them are that we are both part of the same paradigm and that we both are incapable of loving.

The difference is I call this paradigm Hate-Selfishness and they call it Love-Altruism.

Everyday of my life is a test for my capability of acceptance.

« How to Become Stronger? How to be Respected? »


  • August 25th, 2010

    carolina says:

    Wow, this really impressed me. It always gave me a bitersweet sensation when someone told me things like “i cant live without you”, i didnt know if to say thanks or to run away. In a way i always knew that love was freedom but i could never concile with what commonly people understand by “love”. Anyway, i think you are so right. I agree with you but i was never able to put it in words.

  • December 21st, 2010

    rilida says:

    “It always gave me a bitersweet sensation when someone told me things like “i cant live without you”, i didnt know if to say thanks or to run away. In a way i always knew that love was freedom but i could never concile with what commonly people understand by “love”. Anyway, i think you are so right. I agree with you but i was never able to put it in words.”
    How much is it possible?

  • April 5th, 2011

    Pema Namgyel says:

    i really do like and love what you have jotted. it is the great world and we have to learn how to love and say the loving words to all living creatures… thanks for your great message!

  • November 2nd, 2011

    Amber says:

    Perfectly put.

  • March 3rd, 2012

    Yiannos Ioannou says:

    Great words, put into action, make great people, great leaders, they become examples of life, attract followers, making a better world. It really makes you wonder… A tree or a dog may have better qualities than people…

  • March 19th, 2012

    payge says:

    this really helped me!! thanks:)

  • September 4th, 2012

    Wendy says:

    Love is acceptance. Well put. I agree with you that we will never be able to accept everything, everyone, we always judge, choose. But we still can try to be a little bit more acceptive everyday.

  • March 7th, 2013

    lerato mathebula says:

    I’m impressed that is so true!!!

  • May 4th, 2013

    Aluesi maria says:

    Great teaching and the first person to learn and teach myself this lovely philosophy.this is the real truth about

  • June 6th, 2013

    Rajani Shrestha says:

    i feel really good after reading this article. whatever you wrote here is very realistic and should be accept by all if the one is searching for the real happiness. thanking u.

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URL

Leave a comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.

© Copyright by Luís Martins Simões, developed by RUPEAL